I Love Marriage!

Let me start from the beginning. When Dave and I got married we received about 10 books about how to make a marriage work. It was funny, but made me a little nervous. What had I gotten myself into that there needed to be this many books written about how to do it?? And what made our friends so nervous for us that they bought us so many of them? So we decided we better read them. Just in case this was harder than we thought it would be. So we spent the better part of our first year of marriage in our tiny little studio apartment reading back and forth to each other.

Now here we are 12 years later. We have definitely had our fair share of miscommunication and a few knock-down-drag-out-all nighter type fights, but marriage isn't hard. In fact it's so easy that I think people complicate it just because they aren't used to such simplicity. They think they must be missing something. But they're not. Here it is: Love your spouse more than you love yourself. That's it! That is all there is to it. 

Here's an example just in case you're still confused. Dave wanted to go to law school. I was pregnant with our second child, and we had no money as Dave had just finished his PhD about a year before. So we talked about it and I didn't want him to go, but I could see that it had become a dream of his, so I supported him. He took the test, applied at a few schools and I was so nervous for him and about our future. He got into all of the schools that he applied to and decided to go to the top one. Perfect. We packed up our stuff and our 2 babies and headed up to Berkeley. I didn't want to be there, but I loved Dave and his big dreams. While we were there, life was a bit of a struggle. There was no money, no nearby family and Dave was swamped with school work. But Dave came home whenever he possibly could and played with the kids, and just generally made things seem fun. He sacrificed a spot in the top of his class to spend every spare minute with us. And I loved him for it. And he loved me for keeping my complaining to a minimum. Tada! Love. See? Easy. Don't complicate it!

Don't hold grudges. Say your sorry, even if the only thing your sorry for is that your spouse is upset. And you have no idea why. Don't yell. Don't name call. Say I love you. Every day. So many times that your friends say it's weird. Let it go. Laugh it off. Be loyal. Think about the things you love way more than the things that drive you crazy. Breathe deep. Pray hard. Love the struggle of sharing a life. I do. Dave is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not because he's perfect, or I'm perfect, or life is so easy and romantic. Just because I decided it was true. And so it is. 

Here we are facing another competition season and the meets are on Sundays. In spite of the fact that for a whole year now I have been asking that they be on Saturdays. At least some of them. But then I got told tonight that they are on Sundays and the schedule is already set. As if I didn't ask last season for a change. And it breaks my heart because Sydney is such a beautiful gymnast and she works so hard and loves this sport so much. When Sydney was about four we were watching the US women's gymnastics team get their medals and she pointed to the top of the podium and said, "I'm going to stand there some day." And I got chills because I loved her drive and ability to dream big at such a small age. I have always loved how she comprehends the world around her at a level you might not expect from someone so small. She really is amazing and I love her so much. And then tonight I got home and put her to bed and was angrily doing the dishes and thinking about how much I hate that people don't care about the Sabbath day, as if it can be compartmentalized with other parts of "religion". "Why don't you just go to church in the mornings?" They ask. "Sydney has so much to offer this gym, and we'd love to advance her, but she has to keep Sundays open for us" her coach told me. Those words ring in my ears because I know it's true. She has potential to be the best in the world. And then it hit me: Who cares about being the best this world has to offer when you could be the best that the kingdom of God has to offer? You could keep the Sabbath day holy and never make it to the Olympics, and never receive the accolades and honors that go along with being the best in this world, but you could be something better. You could be the best in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. You could be the best where it matters most which is in the service of God. "But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever." 2 Nephi 9:18. It's not easy. In fact it is harder than I ever imagined it would be. But I believe it's worth it. 

And Sydney is so much more than a beautiful gymnast. I love her to the moon and back

Ninja Mom

Seriously, being a mom is like being a spiritual and emotional ninja. You never know what your kids are gonna throw at you. "Where do babies come from?" (Hiya!) "My best friend called me lame at school today" (wham!) crying for no apparent reason (thwack!). It can be exhausting, and definitely requires constant prep. Just one of the ways that having kids has made me a better person.


                             


Mostly it's this little love that keeps me on my toes.

But all of them together can really make me sweat! This picture is from the day after Dexter's 4th birthday. He kept insisting that birthday boys only eat cake and never wear shirts. So, cake for dinner, shirts optional.

This is him on his birthday. Yup, no shirt. For three days. *sigh*.

But that's the easy stuff. What do you do when best friends move away? And school friends make them feel insecure? 

Even that's pretty easy. What about my 9 year old who has to tell her coach that she can't compete with the team because the meets are on Sundays? Or an acquaintance at school tells her they tried a cigarette? Sometimes the waves of life make it hard to hold tight to the iron rod. But these kids are strong. I just pray that I can be too!

Summer Lovin'

Yes. I love summer. The most. No school, no homework, no schedules. Just me, the kids and enough heat to drive us out of the house and to the nearest water! It doesn't matter much to us if it's the beach, the pool, or that puddle out in the front yard. We just want to be out in the sunshine. Many of my friends asked me what summer school program I had my kids enrolled in so I decided to enroll them in home making 101. This meant that every morning they would make their beds, rinse their breakfast dishes and do a chore or two. I have to say that all of our attendance was lacking. Because summer was calling! So we lived it up. And the house went undusted, the floors unvacuumed. There was no sweeping or mopping. There was just fun. Do I regret it? Nah. There's always next summer...

Would you regret it??

Dear Lady at Target

This morning I went to Target. This is something that happens a lot in my life. Except for today, when we got there, Dexter said that he didn't want to ride in the cart. I'm sure I was checking my list and planning dinner for that night and everything in between and I barely heard him. I'm sure that I said something totally infuriating like, "OK sweetie." As I strapped him into the seat. And the next thing I know, he is screaming at the top of his lungs that he would please like to be let out of the cart. So I came to and told him that we would just be a minute and as soon as we were done shopping I would let him out. Which only made him more furious. Actually, his reaction was a little alarming to me as he quickly became so out of control that I had to get Cyrus out of the cart so he would be out of harms way. And now I was in a bit of a bind because I hadn't listened to Dex when he was calm, and now he was so out of control that there was NO WAY I could let him out now. So I resolved to only get the three or four most important things and get out of there as quickly as possible. Only I couldn't find the one most important thing I came there for, which was underwear for Dexter. Oh yeah. I forgot to add that we were both under a bit of stress due to the whole potty training situation that I had instigated the day before. So here we are. He's screaming, I'm holding Cyrus and looking for just the right undies to make him actually want to pee in the potty like a big boy and Sydney and Coby are doing the usual: being perfectly patient while I figure things out. And then I hear a lady talking to Dex. She's telling him something like, "Calm down. Screaming is not nice." Thanks stranger. I'm sure that's going to help. Like I didn't already try that. And then she sees me and begins to give some passive parenting advice . Something like he's going to be a bad kid. And something else about being a trouble make all his life. And the coup De gras: You should spank him. Yes. That will help. So I'm pretty embarrassed and a little emotionally drained by now so I nod and thank her for her sound parenting advice. The truth is that I'm not a spanker. I never have been. But I'm not about to be THAT mom. With the totally out of control kid saying, "I don't believe in spanking." So we part ways and I get the heck out of there as fast as I can. And on the way home, after Dex and I had calmed down and established time out procedures for when we got home I began to think about parenting and discipline and here's what I would really have liked to tell the lady at Target: The love I have for these babies of mine makes it so I never want to hit them. I want them to behave, and I want them to be polite, and I want them to never scream "get out of here" even at overly intrusive strangers in the market. But I want them to know that I love them. I want them to feel loved, and when their little emotions are so wound up that they can't bring them under control, I want to teach them coping mechanisms. And I want my love to ground them. And someday, if I love them enough and teach them what is right then they will come to me with their problems. And we can learn to cope. Together. And they will know that I love them. No matter what. Even when they have misbehaved terribly. And if they know that they are loved no matter what, then they will be able to give love and feel love. And maybe, just maybe if I never hit them, they will learn to never hit. And the world will be a little more peaceful.
Today I learned that really bad days are part of the beauty of life because they teach us a lot.

Seriously though, could you ever spank this guy. I truly hope that he always knows how much I love him.

Divinity

Sydney got baptized last week. There was one other girl who was getting baptized with her. A good friend of hers form the ward, which made the whole thing just that much sweeter. Especially because that friend was able to come to the rescue at the last minute with a pair of all white undies (whoops). As Megan and I were waiting at the edge of the font for the girls to come out I noticed that she was crying. It isn't uncommon for me to not cry . I'm just not a crier. And sometimes it bothers me. I feel the spirit and I'm so grateful for it's influence in my life. I understand the significance of watching your posterity make sacred covenants and I know that baptism is one of them. I was happy. And so at peace. But these things rarely make me cry. I pulled sweet Sydney out of the water and shared a few precious moments with her in the dressing room drying off and talking quietly about the gospel, the atonement and what it feels like to be taking steps on the path back to our Heavenly home. It was one of those rare and wonderful moments that life blesses us with. And my love grew. My love for the gospel, and my love for my family and my love for my Heavenly Father and His plan. But I still wasn't weepy. And then last night as I was reviewing my experiences in my head, something came to me. It was that I didn't feel love for Sydney because she had made the choice to be baptized. And to say that I was proud of her would also be misleading. What I felt was pure love. Maybe even charity. It was an overwhelming feeling that whether or not Sydney had chosen to be baptized, I would love her the same. And now what I feel is grateful for the part of me that is divinity because that is where those most pure and wonderful emotions come from. They are inside of us because of our divine nature. We are children of God, and that has real meaning. It's the first and most frequent thing we hear from primary on up, but it just sunk in for me. To be able to feel real pure love, or whole hearted trust and faith or unparalleled peace and safety in a dangerous or scary situation is a reality for us because we are part divinity. And every now and again (hopefully more frequently as I learn to follow Christ) I can tap into that wonderful and powerful part of me . And it is such a blessing.

I also want to include here that I love Sydney so much. I watch her play with her friends and help with her brothers, read, daydream. And I get excited about her future. If she keeps on the path that she is currently on she will be powerful beyond our greatest dreams for her.

Does anyone even know this blog exists??

I certainly didn't. In fact, I was logging on to blogspot to start a whole new blog. A journal just for me. A place to write my thoughts and post things that probably only I care about. For posterity or whatever. Anyway, tonight I have so much on my mind. About Death. And life. And it's not as morbid as it sounds. Dave's Aunt Darlene died last Saturday, which set me to thinking about family and love and regret. And learning. But most of all about becoming. This, in my view is what Darlene did beautifully. She did a lot of living and learning from her mistakes. And all the while she was becoming someone amazing. Someone who loved people, and life, and all things sparkly. And my kids. She never missed a birthday party, and even hosted one or two. And our toy box is rife with memories of her in the form of trinkets and toys she gave to my kids along her way. She wasn't perfect, but that didn't matter. To her or anyone else for that matter. Because she was always becoming. Becoming a little more loving, and a little more loved. Becoming a little more faithful. More of a blessing to more people that she ever knew. And I hope to take her message of becoming, and leave my regrets in the past as I become more of the person that I want to be.
Today, just a week after Darlene passed, my own grandma died. Her death was far less tragic. She was old, and so very sick. Very few remnants of the person she was remained  and her death was more of a relief from suffering than a tragedy to suffer through. But it's still sad , and life will be different with her gone. Some differences will be good, and some will be painful and some will be unexpected. But I really never want to forget what death has taught me this week. Which is that life is precious and the loving bond of a family is what will bring the most joy in this life. Whether that family is as distant as an aunt-in-law or as close as a grandma it doesn't matter. I;ve heard it said that we should live like this was our last day on earth, but it takes watching someones last day on earth to really understand what that means. In the last week I have loved more sincerely and felt more deeply than I have in a long time. And it's a good reminder. Life is precious, and love is essential. I hope I never forget.